What has your postpartum journey been like?
The fourth trimester was the most challenging of my entire life. A week after giving birth, I developed a rare type of shingles called Ramsay Hunt Syndrome, which took doctors another week to diagnose. Two weeks after having my baby, the doctor told me I could not touch him, feed him or hold him until I was better. I was in excruciating pain, had vertigo so I was not able to walk, shower or even use the restroom by myself, and I had Bells Palsy on the right side of my face so eating and drinking was very difficult. My doctor put me on anti-viral medication and that, plus not eating from the nausea of the disease and no physical contact with my baby, completely dried up my milk supply.
I was completely miserable during what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life.
I feel so fortunate that I have a strong support system with our families nearby and an incredibly involved partner. My mother was able to take three weeks off work to help us out and my husband was basically the sole caretaker of our son for two weeks–changing his diaper, feeding him, etc. Looking back to that time and also hearing stories of dads who don’t feel connected to their baby and babies who only want their mother, I think it was a blessing in disguise because our son has a special bond with his grandparents and my husband was thrown into the deep-end of fatherhood and quickly learned how to swim.
Having such a difficult postpartum experience also resulted in me being extremely appreciative of being able to “be a mom” again and savor the constant cuddles and middle-of-the-night feedings rather than the frustration I know most moms feel.
What surprised you about motherhood? Is there anything you wish you knew before becoming a mom?
The biggest surprise for me was how quickly I would do the things I swore I wouldn’t do before having children. Before our baby came along, my husband and I were completely against bed-sharing and our son watching any sort of TV and feeding him purees out of a jar and vibrating seats that help put your baby to sleep. How quickly you cave when you’re a walking zombie and your baby is crying and the only thing that will get him to calm down is being next to you. Postpartum depression is widely talked about but something no one mentioned was the general anxiety you feel as a new mom. I vividly remember in the first week my baby napping and my mom was over and told me to take a nap and I was laying in bed overcome with so much anxiety that I couldn’t sleep. I was simultaneously anxious about everything and also nothing at all. It went away fairly quickly the more I got the hang of things, but the fact that I felt like that to being with was a surprise. I was also very surprised by how difficult and complicated breastfeeding is. It’s always portrayed as this natural, beautiful experience that just happens. No one tells you that it takes forever in the beginning–like a baby is attached to your body around the clock. Or that your baby will be crying nonstop like they’re hungry even though they just ate so you don’t even know if he’s eating anything. Every aspect about breastfeeding was a total surprise.
What has been the most challenging part for you as a new mom?
The most challenging part about life as a new mom was being faced with and having to accept reality–real, raw everyday life, not the dream we have in our head about how motherhood is supposed to be. That dream of having a clean house and beautiful, wooden toys and our baby being the one that sleeps through the night in his crib at three months and breastfeeding like a goddess wherever our baby is hungry. I was forced very early on to give up on the idea of what I wanted or expected motherhood to be. When I wasn’t able to nurse my baby like I had always planned, it broke my heart. The process of fighting for it and trying to make it happen, meeting with lactation consultants, and my baby just crying and screaming instead of receiving nourishment–I felt like I had failed as a mother and I had lost the chance to bond with my baby in an essentially maternal way. That was very difficult to come to terms with.
What’s your favorite thing about being a mom?
There are so many things I love about being a mom, but his belly laughs are my absolute favorite–they make me so happy. I cherish the quiet moments when we’re at home with nowhere to be and we find some way to goof off together. I love seeing my husband interact with our baby. I love exploring the world with my little one and seeing his face light up when he sees something amusing or his brain makes a new connection. I love introducing him to my favorite activities and foods and fostering that same appreciation in him. We’ve done a few big things as a family already, but the little things–the funny sounds he makes in the back seat of the car, the way he stuffs food into his mouth, the big, uninhibited laughs–are the best.
In what ways have you grown since becoming a mom?
Since becoming a mom, I find myself caring a lot more about the impact of my actions on other people and the world around me. That’s not to say I didn’t care before, but now I care enough to make real, long-lasting change to my behavior and habits to reflect it. Motherhood has inspired me to switch from fast fashion to conscious clothing brands because I am more aware of the people and labor behind the clothes I wear and the effect that these companies have on the environment. I’ve moved away from plastic products to a more sustainable lifestyle–ditched plastic straws for reusable ones, glass tupperware instead of plastic, taking my own bags to the grocery store, etc.–because I want to do my part to make the world a better place for my son. I have become acutely aware of the importance of the things I say and the way I act because I know my baby is listening and watching everything I am doing and that will be his example of how to treat others. Being the mom of a boy, I feel an immense responsibility and pressure to raise a man who will be kind to and respectful of women and who is a feminist. This last one is a constant struggle with my parents already saying things like, “Boys don’t cry,” so I’ve also had to practice standing up for my beliefs and have uncomfortable conversations about what values I want to teach my son.
If you could extend some kind words to new moms and/or expecting moms, what would you say?
Enjoy the baby cuddles while you can and don’t worry so much about what others tell you you’re supposed to do, but trust your instincts instead. I remember feeling so worried and stressed out when all my baby wanted to do was sleep in my arms. But I also let myself enjoy that season because this is the same advice my parents gave me. “Time goes by too fast and soon your baby is married and moved out and having a baby of their own.” Go on date nights and it a priority to reconnect as a couple as often as you can. Having a strong family foundation and two parents that love and support one another no matter what is the greatest gift you can give your children. They will learn what healthy relationships look like and that’s what they will strive toward as adults. When you’re in zombie mode and trying to survive on no sleep, don’t take anything to heart. You might say things you don’t mean, you might misunderstand. Forgive quickly, talk, talk and talk some more, ask for exactly what you want and need from your partner, give each other lots of grace and hug it out.